There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
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