Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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