Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
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