Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
