I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
