meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
