Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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