dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Randomize
