I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
