Do you still have your period?
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
