I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
