evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
