just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
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I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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