I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Someone signed my nipple.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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