She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
