WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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