I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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