I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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