my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
