Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
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just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
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my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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