i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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