hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
