Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
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I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
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Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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