I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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