I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
