apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
