the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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