Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
