you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
