My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
