just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
