Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
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