Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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