omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
