Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
