he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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