I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
