seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
