my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
