I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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