Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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