i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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