you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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