Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
