before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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