some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Randomize
