I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Randomize
