Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
