Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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