I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
