we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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