My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
