can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
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I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
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Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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