Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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