going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
