I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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