my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
