The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
